That Was a Lot of Laundry!

So this last week was a rough one.  On Monday we drove home from the Smoky Mountains.  I already told you that Charley had a stomach bug while we were there, but when we got back Cole had it.  The baby got a very mild and brief case of it (thank goodness), and I got a teeny weeny bit of it.  Not even enough to lose any weight, lol.

So after doing a ton of laundry from our vacation, I had to do a ton of laundry to prevent the stomach bug from making any further damage.  Then on Friday evening my husband starts getting these weird bumps on his back.  They are super itchy and he is miserable.  They spread to his neck and a few minor bumps scattered around his body.  Then Cole wakes up Saturday morning with them only on his arms.

I send the men off to the minor emergency room (because it is Saturday and that is the only place that would be open).  They come back with a prescription for a steroid, which I hate the idea of, and antihistamines.  The doctor says it looks like bites, but he didn’t know what it could be.  So we start researching it on the internet.  BAD IDEA!!

I start getting freaked out thinking we got bed bugs or scabies from the cabin in the mountains.  Have you ever read what it takes to get rid of those things?!  So I start stressing out.  BIG.TIME.

Well the bumps kind of look like scabies, but not quite.  Definitely not bed bugs, thank goodness.  None of the symptoms match up for either.  So we have a mysterious mite that is biting us here and there randomly.  It is practically all history already.  Prayers were answered.

But I have washed everything that can be washed in this house.  I have scrubbed everything that can be scrubbed.  I have even sanitized the walls.  I am exhausted and cranky. 

Well enough of that junk.  Here are a couple of pictures I took in the Smokys.  I wanted to practice my HDR.  I still don’t like the look.  I don’t know if it is the fact that I am using HDR Pro through Photoshop and not Photomatix, or what.  Now I think I am going to have to buy Photomaix.  I like it better the more I am playing around with HDR.  Crap, another thing I want!

See the difference?!  Same shot!  The watermarks for Photomatix is because I am using the free trial they have. Oh Honey, I want Photomatix (and I want it now).  :P

I definitely know that I need to get a wide angle lens.  It has been on my wish list for a while and I am saving up for one.  I have researched it a lot and the one I want is the Sigma 10-20mm.  So if Sigma is reading this and wants me to try it out for them, I would be happy to.  ;)

I have more photos to share but this long post has worn me out.  Sorry about the length.  Don’t forget to enter the giveaway for free holiday cards!

Holiday Cards from Shutterfly - GIVEAWAY!

It’s no secret that I love photography.  Not everyone shares my passion, but everyone adores pictures of their loved ones.  I don’t know a single person that wouldn’t love to have personalized Christmas cards with photos of their family on it.

Shutterfly is currently doing their Holiday Promotion.  It is awesome.  They team up with a lot of bloggers and offer free holiday cards as giveaways.  I participated last year and was so happy to do it again this year.  If you have a blog and are interested in hosting a giveaway you can click here to register to give away 25 free cards.

Since I am a photography junkie, I do have a professional lab that I like to use for enlargements and prints.  But I have used (and continue to use) Shutterfly for years now.  Every year the kids’ teachers get Thank You cards personalized with my child’s picture on it and a heartfelt message.  My grandma gets a birthday card with the great-grandbabies on it every year.  My mom gets a birthday card personalized for her, too.  Noticing a pattern?


I love the quality of their greeting cards.  The prices are fantastic.  They are the same or cheaper than the generic ones at the stores.  Your cards from Shutterfly will have your own message in the font you choose with your selected picture.  They even mail it for you.  So busy moms don’t have to try to shop for the perfect card with children “helping”.  You can even make your card after the kids are in bed and asleep.  What is more perfect than that?!

They have a great selection of templates for Christmas photo cards.  Their range of personalized photo gifts rocks.  You can get a fleece throw printed with your photo for less than $50.  What a perfect gift for Christmas with the cold weather approaching.  Grandma can snuggle up with the grandkids even if they are hundreds of miles away. 


I can’t wait to make this year’s card!  I honestly have not decided which pictures to use.  But Shutterfly makes the process so easy, I can actually try out a few different ones before deciding.  You see the cards exactly how they are going to look right on your screen, so no surprises. 
Would you like to get 25 free holiday cards?  Um, of course you would!  It is super easy.  Just enter by filling out the form below.  If you are reading this in an email or in a reader, you will need to click on the post title to actually come to the blog to enter (just like you would have to if you were going to leave a comment). 

If for some reason you are having difficulties, just leave a comment with your email address and I will enter you.  I really like to use the form since it gives (only) me the information without you posting it for the world to see and spam.  It also puts it in excel format, so I don’t have to count out the number to see who the winners are.

There will be 3 winners!!!!  The winners will be notified by email with their promotion code.  You will be notified directly by me.  No one (not even Shutterfly) is getting your information. 

**GIVEAWAY HAS ENDED.  Thank you for entering. Winners have been notified by email.**

*Disclosure- Shutterfly is sponsoring this giveaway by providing free cards to the winners and did provide me with free holiday cards, as well.  Neither of those have swayed my opinion of their products or services.  I was using Shutterfly before Mom Tried It even existed and loved them.  You know me well enough by now to know I would never endorse a product I didn’t like or believe in. 

Editing 2 Photos Together for the Right Look

I am no Photoshop expert.  In fact, there is no way you could manipulate any definition of it to make me even remotely fit it.  But I have learned a couple of tricks, though.

A couple of weeks ago we were playing in the front yard and the puppy was out with us.  He had run around with the kids, but then decided to sit next to me as I watched them.  He was keeping a good eye on them, too. 

I had my camera with me and snuck a few feet back to catch a shot of him watching the kids play.  He looks like he is being a good herding dog, doesn’t he?

I loved the way Cole was off in the distance down the hill, but I really didn’t like the way that I had composed Ranger.  You can see his tail is cut off and he isn’t framed well in this shot.  {This is straight out of the camera}

 

Then there is the next shot in which I had realized that things weren’t right and adjusted.  But the problem is that Cole had come up the hill enough so the shot wasn’t the same.  It was no longer the dog watching the kids from a distance. And I doesn’t look like much of a kid, either. {This shot is also straight out of the camera}

 

So I took one of the photos and made it a layer onto the other.  I used a layer mask to conceal the background I didn’t like.  So I ended up with the background I liked and the dog image I liked. 

So here it is after the layers.  I also ran an awesome Paint the Moon action to get that older feel for the photo.  I wanted it to look a tad vintage because it is a cool memory of this boy and his puppy.  I wanted that old time look.  I now when he grows up he will look at this picture and remember those times in the yard with his trusty dog. 

You guessed it, my husband does not like the look (or the photo very much either).  But it’s my shot.  I love him and I can say that photography and anything remotely artistic is not his realm.  Do you have a friend or family member like that, too?

Having Some Technical Difficulties

Okay, I am back.  That was crazy.  I have had Blogger issues in the past, but this was a new one for me.  Blogger had a glitch and would not let me add any new posts.  It kept telling me there was a server error.  No problem, I had posts scheduled for over a week in advance.  When Blogger lets me post again I will be ready.

Um, nope.  Some how all of my scheduled posts disappeared!  Crap!!

When Blogger finally did allow me to post, I had no written posts, just the memory of it in my head (not a real reliable place at times).  That morning we left at 4 am to have a mini vacation in the Smoky Mountains.  So we drove for 6 hours with the kiddos to Pigeon Forge, TN. 

We had a blast, but I obviously could not write new posts.  Our internet was very limited.  We had a cabin near the top of Bear Mountain.  It was the boonies.  Beautiful boonies, but boonies.

Now we are back.

Oh, Charley got a stomach bug while we were on vacation and it is making its way through the kids.  So my time is a little preoccupied at the moment (to say the least).

Obviously the 31 day series is blown.  I am sorry.  I do plan on finishing the topics up.  I will do a post each week for the rest of the year to finish up this series.  It kind of stinks, but at least I am still sharing. 

I will be resuming photo posts and randomness.

I am going to have a small giveaway on Friday.  I hope you will come back and check it out. 

Legal Risk Placement in Foster Care

All of you just read that title and went, “Huh?”.  I know trust me.  There is a term in foster care called legal risk.  Here is the definition as I found it on Adopting.org:

Placement of a child in a prospective adoptive family when a child is not yet legally free for adoption. Before a child can be legally adopted by another family, parental rights of his or her birth parents must be terminated. In a "legal risk" adoptive placement either this termination of parental rights has not yet occurred, or it is being contested. In some cases, termination of parental rights is delayed until a specific adoptive family has been identified.

You’re still thinking, “Huh?” aren’t you?  Well I can’t blame you.  Just like everything else in foster care (or any government agency) nothing is really clear cut.  Children that the agency or state has deemed legal risk means that the chances that they will become eligible for adoption is higher than normal. But they are NOT legally free to adopt. 

All of the risk in legal risk is yours, pretty much.  You take a child into your home for foster care with the mindset of hoping to adopt, but the reality is that there is a risk the child will not be able to be adopted.  Huge emotional risk for you (and very much so for the child).

Something could happen legally to keep them from being adopted.  Maybe their parents had rights terminated, but appealed.  Still considered legal risk because the appeal could turn over the original decision to terminate rights. 

Also, a child could have parents that are so close to termination of parental rights, but the state isn’t pursuing it yet.  Why would the state not pursue it yet?  Because the state isn’t out to make orphans.  They want to wait until there is a family lined up for that child to go to.  So the child is in limbo in the ambiguous state of legal risk classification. 

It is definitely more emotionally taxing to foster a legal risk child hoping to adopt, but the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. 

• When the child is eligible for adoption, you will be approached first. 
• You get to connect with that child while all of the legal stuff gets hashed out in court.  You don’t have to wait for the outcome to start being a family.  You get to be a family while it happens.
• While they don’t really say this in the foster care system, it is true: you will learn more about a case that is legal risk than a regular foster case.  Social workers won’t really say it, but everyone has their eyes already set on termination and they are a little more giving with information to you. 

While legal risk DOES NOT mean you will definitely get to adopt the child, it does make the chances better.

Different Levels of Needs in Foster Care

I have told you already that you can break down your preferences for which children you want to bring into your home.  You can choose the age, sex, and number of children.  One thing you need to consider before you get licensed is the level of needs of the child. 

If you are scratching your head, let me explain it better.  When licensing you fill out a form that has a BUNCH of different scenarios.  It reads like this:

Would you foster a child that:

• Has been sexually abused
• Has a g-tube
• Has learning disabilities
• Has placed in the autistic spectrum
• Displays aggressive behavior
• Requires medical suction
• Bangs their head
• Has a history of self-abuse
• Requires a respirator

There are pages and pages.  These are just some of the examples I remember.  They even had a question that asked if you were willing to foster a child that is an overachiever and excels at school.  I think they just threw that one in there to make sure you were actually reading them. 

You circle the ones you feel comfortable with or know you could handle with proper assistance.  I say proper assistance because sometimes children will come with nurse or medical services to assist you with their care. 

This is where you really have to look at your own capabilities, not just your heart.  You need to actually say what you can handle.  You have to look at your house and see if it is handicap accessible or can be easily modified.  All of this is not just for your sake, but for your family and the foster child. 

There is never, ever judgment.  I have already shared how we could not take the placement of a young girl that was sexually abused and displayed strong sexual behavior.  You know what works best for you and your family.

No One Makes You Take a Foster Child

Yesterday I talked about racist comments from strangers.  Today I am going to lead into the topic by telling you about some comments from (former) friends.  These comments were not meant to be hurtful, but they showed those people’s hearts.  Needless to say we grew apart.

“Wow, you are going to foster.  That is cool.  What happens if they try to make you take a black kid?”

Let me start off with the first one, no one can “make” you take any foster child into your home.  When you get licensed you tell them how many children you are open to fostering (we are only licensed for two).  You tell them the age range that you prefer (we are licensed for 0-5 years old).  You tell them the sex of the children you prefer (while this isn’t on your license, they know on your paperwork and call you accordingly). You cannot tell them you only want certain races, though. 

You get a phone call from a social worker telling you about a child/children.  They give you information, usually as little as possible, and you ask a ton of questions.  This is where I tell them I will get back in touch with them soon.  I call my husband and we talk about it.  The social worker cannot tell you the race of the child when giving you the basic information.  You can ask, though.  That’s right, they can’t volunteer it, but if asked they can tell you.  So if you have preferences I would suggest asking that question at that time.

We have said no to many children.  The reasons have varied.  Honestly that is the hardest part of fostering.  Not returning them home to their parents, but saying no to the ones that need a place to go.  The case workers at the office know me and they tell me later that the children were placed and that they are fine. 

So I am pretty much telling you that no one is going to make you do anything.  It is your house and your life.  Only you can make the right decisions for yourself.  You can say no at any time to any child or situation. 

“You are going to let those ‘kids with problems’ live in your house?”

I don’t know anyone without problems.  I have them, you have them, my kids have them.  Unless you are one of those women with a womb that only produces perfect children, chances are your kids have problems, too. 

Children do not come into foster care because they have problems.  It is because their parents do.  Foster care is a chance for children to be moved to an environment that will help them heal and recover while their parents heal, recover, and get their lives back in order.  Some parents do, some don’t. 

So to label a child in the foster care system as a “kid with problems” isn’t fair.  Plus it makes you look like an idiot.  There, I said it. 

Fostering and Racism

Yep, I am going to talk about it.  It is out there and nothing puts you smack dab in the middle of it like a racially diverse family.  I am talking about racism.  I live in a rural area where there is a lot of racism. 

There are the people that openly say racist things, like the elderly lady at JCPenney one time when I was shopping.  Months ago I had Little Lady in my Moby Wrap and was shopping for some clothes.  I heard an elderly woman tell her husband, “Look at that little baby.”  I was waiting for the next thing to be something about how cute she is or how tiny she is (because she is very small).  I was floored to hear her say, “It’s mixed…what a shame.”

Um…WHAT?! 

This is the part where you can picture a crazy redhead with a baby strapped her going on a rant to an old woman in the middle of a retail store.  But it didn’t happen.  I was too shocked.  I was immobilized.  I couldn’t move, talk, or even breathe. 

I finally snapped out of it.  Did that really happen?  It was the Twilight Zone (if you have to google the Twilight Zone, feel free to smack yourself right now for being so stinking young).

Don’t think I don’t say stuff back, though.  There was a black woman at the grocery store that overheard the cashier ask me if we had heard anything about getting to adopt Little Lady.  I had the kids with me, so she saw that Little Lady is multiracial (Hispanic, black, and white).  She started talking {very loudly} about how awful it is that “they give black kids to white families to save them.  Black kids should be with black families.  White people have no business trying to save black people.”  It went on and on for what seemed like forever.  She said all of this yelling talking loudly and looking straight at me. 

This is where I grabbed a piece of my receipt, wrote down my foster agency’s phone number, and handed it to her.  I told her if she was so concerned about the welfare of black children, she could become a foster parent.  Because they could always use more foster parents and by being a foster parent herself she could keep some kids from coming to us “do-gooder” Whities. 

I didn’t yell.  I wasn’t rude.  I was assertive.  I was concise and deliberate with every word and every movement of my body.  I didn’t want it to come across as confrontational, but I wanted to make very clear that I did not appreciate her comments.

I think that woman must have been about as shocked as I was about the elderly woman’s comment.  She just stood there, mumbled something, and stuffed the paper in her pocket.  I have no idea what she thought I was going to say, but from the look on her face it wasn’t what I actually did say.

 

So you never know what is going to be said and by whom.  Just be aware it is out there.  By opening your home to different races and ethnicities you become a target for a narrow-minded person’s hate. 

Hands: I Heart Faces Challenge

I think I may be going through photography challenge withdrawals.  I have actually been taking some new photos here and there.  But between the 31 Days to Becoming a Foster Parent series, the baby starting therapy (the screenings for that are ridiculous), and just regular ole mom stuff, there really hasn’t been much photography going on around here.

I saw this week’s challenge at I Heart Faces and wanted to join in, though.  I got this one from this summer.  I love this shot so I am submitting it for the “Hands” challenge this week.

I love the way it shows the roughness (and dirtiness) of a little boy’s hands, but still the gentleness of them as they hold such a tiny creature.  A creature he captured just to have Mommy photograph, by the way.  Gotta love that boy!

Fostering and Paperwork

I am going to sound like a broken record by the time this 31 days is up, but here is one of them again.  There are different requirements by state and by agencies.  This isn’t just for licensing guidelines, but also the day to day stuff.  Paperwork for example.

I have it really easy.  I hardly have any paperwork.  Honestly, barely anything.  At the opposite and of that is a friend of mine that fostered in Texas.  She had to fill out a report explaining in detail various outings she did with her foster children and their educational purpose each month.  Huh?!  She had four foster children.  She took a picture of the stack of paperwork once.  It was crazy. 

But it was a way to ensure that foster children did get out, mentally stimulated, and educated.  That is sad that they have to make reports to show people making an effort to do that stuff. 

Now I honestly have no idea if it was something required by her specific agency or if the paperwork was required by the state.  So you may get lucky and have zilch like me.   I wanted to share this because it is something that you might have to deal with.  I am trying to share as much as I can. 

Communication is Key to Fostering

Every person has weak spots.  You know the parts that you struggle with.  Well every relationship has weak spots, too.  Your relationship with your spouse, your children, your parents, etc.  Stress has a way of putting pressure on us and exposing those weak spots. 

The best way to avoid falling into a relationship pitfall is to address the stress head on.  Talk about it.  I know this sounds really elementary, but we don’t do it.  As busy people we just decide that it would be easier to ignore this or pretend that didn’t happen.  It would take more time and energy to address it than the conversation is probably worth.  Especially if you think it may end up in an argument.  So talk about it beofre it ends up as a huge argument.

Sounds simple.  It isn’t that simple, though.  I don’t care who you are.  Even if you are one of those people that easily brushes things off.  There is going to be some residual dust left behind.  That stuff piles up and it piles up fast. 

Imagine a stack of papers.  They aren’t very thick individually, but a lot of them can make a tall tower.  When you pick up a piece of paper it isn’t heavy at all, but a stack of them is pretty heavy. 

So you need to communicate with your children, with your family, and with your spouse.  Communicate about everything, but especially about foster care related things.  Let your kids know that they can come to you anytime to talk about frustrations with their foster siblings.  Address things as they come up.  It will keep the same things from coming up over and over.

Keep in contact with your friends.  It is so nice to have a conversation that doesn’t revolve around fostering.  Just about regular stuff. 

Foster Parents Need Time Away

Just as traditional parents need a date night every once in a while, foster parents do to.  And just as easily as traditional parents neglect that, so do foster parents. 

Take time out to be with your spouse.  Enjoy a dinner in a restaurant without worrying about…well, everything.  Children can put stress on you and your relationships.  Compound that with the package deal that fostering is (paperwork, visits, schedules, training, therapy, etc.) and you have a lot on your shoulders.  It is really worth it to make sure you take some time out and step away every once in a while.

 

Be sure you allow yourself some Me Time, too.  Dust off that hobby and get out of the house!  Get away and do it now before you change your mind! 

Suck it up for a little bit and be sure our husband/wife has some time to themselves, too.  You can handle the kids for a couple of hours a week while they recharge and refresh themselves.  Have them return the favor.  It can be something you each look forward to every week. 

If your passion or hobby is something that doesn’t require leaving the house, such as reading, still leave.  You need to get away.  For the sake of your own sanity.

**Note: This is not just a suggestion for foster parents.  Everyone with a child needs to get away for a little break every now and then.  It makes all the difference.**

Preparing Your Children for Foster Care

There really is no quick and easily way to do this.  You can’t just whip out a board book and your entire family is all on the same page a ready for this adventure.  But I can tell you that talking to your kids about it is going to be a million times easier than talking to your family or friends for the first time about it. 

Because to put it simply…kids get it.  Children have bigger hearts than we give them credit for.  They learn about a need that they can help with and their response is to help.  They haven’t be jaded.

You know the best way to talk to your child about it.  Just keep assuring them that they will always be yours, you will always love them, and that they can talk to you about anything.  Because frustrations will build up, arguments will happen, and feelings will get hurt.  That is how it is with all siblings, even foster siblings.

We have told our children that a child is coming to live with us, but not forever.  They will stay with us until their Mommy or Daddy can get ready for them to come home.  I explain to my five year old that it isn’t just their home that needs to get ready.  Some mommies and daddies need extra help when they are having trouble.  So foster care is like one really (really, really) long play date for us. 

My children have grasped the concept of fostering really well.  Honestly, many foster parents I talk with have said their children did astoundingly well understanding it. 

My kids understood the reunification process, too.  We would talk about how happy the foster kids were to visit their parents.  We would talk about the visits with the foster kids after they returned.  I talked to my kids about how they would miss me if they couldn’t live with me.  That it would be okay to miss their friend, but also be happy for that friend to be back home where they belong.  I will talk about reunification more later in the series. 

But talking about the subject of fostering with your spouse, your parents, and your friends is a lot more difficult than talking with your kids.  Just be that awesome parent that you are and keep reassuring them of their place in your home and heart. 

Losing Friends Due to Fostering

I know, it sounds funny doesn’t it?  Losing a friend because you became a foster parent?  It happens.  It happens often.  Many people just do not understand why you would choose to foster.  Many people cannot handle the reality of it. 

When we first became foster parents we got a call for a sibling set.  The little boy was 2 and his sister was 3.  I was told the little boy had no behavioral problems, but the little girl displayed strong sexual behavior.  They were investigating the charge of sexual abuse to be added to the list of things that removed the children from their home.  One of the things was this 3 year old girl would masturbate herself to sleep at night and any time she felt stressed.  You read that correctly.

I was telling a friend that it broke my heart to tell the social worker that we could not take them, but I couldn’t have that girl in the same room at night with my daughter.  I couldn’t expose that behavior to my very young children.  {By the way, I still think about that little girl and pray for her all of the time.}  My friend looked right at me and said, “That is horrible.  Things like that don’t happen in my world.”  I was waiting for her to laugh or say something else, but she didn’t.  She was serious.  In her own sheltered world, things like that didn’t happen.  And guess what?  Soon my family and my foster kids (and their “problems”) became something that she couldn’t handle in her little world, either. 

The realities and problems of the world are amplified in the foster care system.  Many people don’t like knowing what is happening in their town.  They know those things happen, but for them it is something on a TV show.  It is an atrocity that happens on the other side of the world thousands of miles away, not the other side of town 5 miles away.

So those people will slowly fade out of your life.  Some of them might exit more abruptly.

On the flip side, you gain an entire fellowship of current and previous foster parents.  You may not have a single thing in common with someone other than being a foster parent, but there is a kinship there.  The kind of camaraderie that military families, police families, fire fighter families all share. 

I made friends in my foster training class that I am still in contact with today.  I have also run into other people from that class and we always greet each other with a smile and a hug.  There is bond formed in the trenches of foster parenting. 

So while you may lose a few friends, you gain an entire community. 

Foster Parents Need a Support Team

If you are thinking about becoming a foster parent, you need to also consider everyone else around you.  Mainly your spouse (if you are married).  I get lots of emails from women saying they are interested in fostering, but their husbands are not onboard.  This is a deal breaker.  My suggestion is to give them information about it.  Find out why they aren’t interested.  Address those issues together and talk it out.  Hopefully you both will find useful information in this series.

But be careful.  Fostering isn’t something you should have to talk your husband into.  It isn’t a large purchase, or where to go on vacation.  Being able to get your husband to “give in” should not be the goal.  This is something you will have to jointly agree on and support each other with.

Because frankly, fostering is hard.  It is a type of parenting (duh Kim, foster parenting).  When was the last time you found parenting a breeze?

You will need your spouse.  You will need your family.  You will need your extended family.  You will need your friends.  You will need all of the same people you need now.  Because imagine life now, but add an extra child/children, paperwork, visits, schedules, and a ton of extra emotions.  I am making it sound dreamy, aren’t I? 

 

This is the main reason I am asking you to share this series with friends.  Especially if they are not interested in becoming foster parents.  It isn’t to try to convince them to become foster parents.  It is so they can know more about the system.  So they can be a better friend or family member in that support team for a foster parent. 

Becoming a foster parent isn’t just a lifestyle shock to the parents, but it is to everyone around them.  It is worth it, though.  To get to touch someone’s life in an amazing way is something completely indescribable.

Why Would Anyone Want to Foster?

This post is blunt and to the point.  It is not meant to offend or guilt you.  I hope it helps you understand what your heart may be saying to you.

So why would anyone want to foster?  That is a valid question. 

Let’s say you have a friend that was very close to you and had known for years. That person makes some really bad choices and goes down a road that wasn’t good for them or their family.  You and your family know them well and care about them.  That person made some choices that got them in trouble and their child has to be removed from the home.  Would you take that child in need into your home until it was okay for them to go home? 

What if that wasn’t a friend?  What if it was your brother, sister, or cousin?  Does that change your answer?

I am not trying to make you feel guilty or anything.  I just want you to understand situations that foster care comes from.  You are not a bad person for saying no.  You may have things going on in your life that could not allow you to take that child.  You may be one of the many people out there that just are not meant to foster.  Don’t stop reading this, though.  I hope you will get valuable information about the foster care system.  With that information you can help this system in many ways without ever having to foster a child. 

If you said yes above, then would you consider opening your home to a different child?  A child that has nowhere to go?  You read that correctly.  Nowhere to go.

The foster care system tries to place children that are removed from a home with family first.  Sometimes that isn’t an option, though.  Family may not meet the licensing standards, may not want to care for the children, or have other constraints. 

So a child cannot stay with their parents and does not have family that is willing/able to take them.  That child is in need just like your friend’s child from above. 

But you don’t know them. 

Is it easier to say no to a child that isn’t right there?  Is it easier to say no when you can’t see the tears?  Is it easier to dismiss the idea of opening your home when you don’t know the child?  Um, yeah.  It is a lot easier.  I will be honest.  That is probably why I haven’t gone on a mission trip.  I would want to adopt every child in every orphanage.  My husband knows it, too (that is probably why he hasn’t encouraged me to go).

It is a huge leap.  I will admit that the situations are not alike.

But then again, they are.  It is a child in need.  A family in need of repair.  Your heart is receptive to this need.  You feel compelled to help.  But you reason with yourself by saying fostering is for older people; people with no children; people with grown children; people with lots of extra money; people with huge houses and extra space; people that are saintly; people that aren’t you. 

Sorry to put it so blunt, but that is what so many people think.  “Fostering is great…for other people to do.”  “Fostering is awesome, but I could never do it.”  That is fine if it is true.  If you have actually thought it out and decided, you have given more real thought than most people.  Because if you break it down and find out the real reason fostering isn’t for you, you might be surprised.

I have said it before and I will say it again, fostering is not right for everyone.  But if you have been thinking about it and are dragging your feet I need you to do one simple exercise.  Before you read any more of this series, write down all of the reasons you think fostering is not something you could do.  Keep that list handy.  We will probably talk about all of those things.

Sorry if this post was a little bit of a kick in the teeth.  I hope it wasn’t offensive or “in your face”.  That was not my intent.  I did say that I was going to keep this real and not sugar coat, though.  The good news is that this post is the only one like this.  So please come back tomorrow and learn about things you can do to mentally prepare yourself for becoming a foster parent.

Finding a Foster Agency

 

Yesterday I talked about the basic fostering requirements and how they can vary by state.  Today I will let you know that within the state there are many agencies and they have different guidelines, as well.  For example some agencies require every person get CPR certified, while others only require that certification if you have a pool or body of water on your property.  But the state might not require it all.  It all depends on which agency you get licensed through.

Confusing?  I know.  Trust me, I know.

Some states you can get licensed directly from the child protective agency.  While others require you get licensed through a private agency.  These private agencies are still state funded and they must abide by state guidelines.  Some states just don’t have a department for foster care within their child and family services.  They just have liaisons.

There is no cost to get licensed for foster care.  The only expenses you should accrue are small ones like copays for your physical, or costs for certified copies of birth certificates and marriage license, etc.  If you are ever told any different a red flag should go up your mind.  You need to stop dealing with whoever it is and call someone else.  Reporting those people wouldn’t be a bad idea, either. 

There are agencies that have a religious connection like Catholic Social Services or Lutheran Social Services, etc.  No, you do not have to be that religion to get licensed through them.  I thought that, too so don’t worry.  There are also many agencies that are not associated with any church.

My recommendation is to put a call out on facebook or twitter for friends that know someone that fosters.  Ask current foster parents who they honestly recommend.  I really like our agency and would highly recommend them in Illinois (we use Lutheran Social Services).  I can find out form other friends about different states, too.  You can email me.

I have heard horrible stories about other agencies.  An agency in my town has been known to try to license homes at the maximum capacity.  So a family that wanted to foster one or two children got licensed for five.  Then the agency would try to pressure them into taking five children.  They have tried to get people to care for children in age ranges that they didn’t want.  They have tried to guilt people into taking children with needs beyond what the family wanted or knew they could handle.

I will talk about this later in the series, but this is a great time to tell you that you can say no to any child at any time.  You do not have to take any child/children they call you about.  If they are pressuring you, call their boss.  Immediately.  It is not right and not cool.  I am going off on a tangent here. 

So just find out which agency other people like.  By the way, a recommendation by someone for an agency they used for their home study as part of an adoption is definitely not the same.  Even though they may license and do foster care, it is different.  Trust me.  Fostering is a completely different ball game. 

State Guidelines for Fostering

 

Each state has different guidelines for fostering licenses.  The basics are pretty much the same across the country, though.

• You cannot be a convicted felon with a conviction of crimes such as rape, child endangerment, molestation, and such.  Some criminal is permitted depending on the charge and the severity.  When you complete a background check they will go over the results with you.  Anything (felony or misdemeanor) that appears you will need to fill out a report explaining the case.  Then it will be reviewed. 

 

• You do NOT have to be married.  You can be single, single with children, divorced, widowed, etc.  If your state recognizes civil unions than you cannot be denied based on that either.  Every adult that lives in your house must complete a background check.

 

• You must show financial proof that you can support yourself/your family.  They will likely want a tax return or copies of pay stubs.  They will also ask for you to make a list of your monthly expenses (not actual bills).  Even though foster care provides a stipend, that is to cover the cost of care for the child, not to supplement your income.  If you can’t keep your head above water financially foster care is not going to help.

 

• You must have a physical to show you can physically care for a child.  If you have a back condition and cannot lift 20 pounds, then fostering a toddler is out of the question.  It is things like this that help everyone get on the same page.  Oh, it will more than likely not keep you from getting licensed, just lets people know what an appropriate age range would be for your household.

 

• Your house must have enough actual living space to accommodate another person.  They will not allow you to cram as many kids as you can in one bedroom.  Each state/agency has different guidelines for bedroom size and square footage per person.  Room sharing is allowed (with some restrictions).

 

• Every state requires some form of training class.  I live in Illinois and they use the PRIDE training.  Illinois requires a 9 week course that covers 3 hours of training per week.  They have a consolidated course, too.  But both require the 27 hour PRIDE Foster/Adopt training series.

 

There are MANY other regulations and stipulations in there, but that really is the core.  Each state varies, so don’t hold me to that too much.  At the end of this series I will have a list of each state and links to help your find resources to learn about foster care.  I just thought you might want to know some of this stuff before you start contacting people.

Intro to Becoming a Foster Parent

Welcome to 31 Days to Becoming a Foster Parent.  This series is not going to actually train you to become a foster parent.  I am writing this to help shed light on what it is really like to be a foster parent.  I am going to give it to you real with no sugar coating.

I get asked quite often about fostering.  There are a ton of misconceptions out there and maybe this can help clear things up.  My intention is not to “sell” the idea of fostering or to romanticize it.  I am going to be honest and real.  Because if it isn’t right for you, it is just going to bad for you, your family, and the child placed with you. 

Let me start off by saying this system is flawed, no doubt about it.  By spreading awareness and increasing knowledge I am hoping that we can all work together to help it.  You may not want to foster at all, but if you have the time I encourage you to read along with us.  Because someone you know might decide to foster and the more information you have the more supportive and helpful you can be for them. 

So please join me for 31 Days to Becoming a Foster Parent.  You can see just this series by clicking the tab at the top of the page or by clicking this button.  Feel free to grab it in my sidebar if you would like to share. 

I look forward to getting to know you better as we all share. 

Here is a little information about me.  My name is Kim.  I have been married to my husband for 9 years.  We have two biological children, 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl.  We foster young children (under the age of 5).  We have had children returned to their parents that we knew shouldn’t really go back, children returned that we knew was best for them, and are hoping to adopt a child we currently foster.  So we have been all over the foster grid. 

There are things I wish I knew when we started.  Maybe that is why I am writing this.  But I am passionate about caring for children.  There are children all over the world in need of care and a voice to speak up for them.  Everyone can do something to help a child in need.  At the moment we are focusing on foster care, but strongly feel that any help any child gets is always good.