I know, it sounds funny doesn’t it? Losing a friend because you became a foster parent? It happens. It happens often. Many people just do not understand why you would choose to foster. Many people cannot handle the reality of it.
When we first became foster parents we got a call for a sibling set. The little boy was 2 and his sister was 3. I was told the little boy had no behavioral problems, but the little girl displayed strong sexual behavior. They were investigating the charge of sexual abuse to be added to the list of things that removed the children from their home. One of the things was this 3 year old girl would masturbate herself to sleep at night and any time she felt stressed. You read that correctly.
I was telling a friend that it broke my heart to tell the social worker that we could not take them, but I couldn’t have that girl in the same room at night with my daughter. I couldn’t expose that behavior to my very young children. {By the way, I still think about that little girl and pray for her all of the time.} My friend looked right at me and said, “That is horrible. Things like that don’t happen in my world.” I was waiting for her to laugh or say something else, but she didn’t. She was serious. In her own sheltered world, things like that didn’t happen. And guess what? Soon my family and my foster kids (and their “problems”) became something that she couldn’t handle in her little world, either.
The realities and problems of the world are amplified in the foster care system. Many people don’t like knowing what is happening in their town. They know those things happen, but for them it is something on a TV show. It is an atrocity that happens on the other side of the world thousands of miles away, not the other side of town 5 miles away.
So those people will slowly fade out of your life. Some of them might exit more abruptly.
On the flip side, you gain an entire fellowship of current and previous foster parents. You may not have a single thing in common with someone other than being a foster parent, but there is a kinship there. The kind of camaraderie that military families, police families, fire fighter families all share.
I made friends in my foster training class that I am still in contact with today. I have also run into other people from that class and we always greet each other with a smile and a hug. There is bond formed in the trenches of foster parenting.
So while you may lose a few friends, you gain an entire community.
It's such a shame there are people like that who can't handle those things, but I guess I do understand. God gives us so much bandwidth and sometimes things like that are outside of the bandwidth we can handle.
ReplyDeleteWell, that woman sounds like of crazy, so you didn't lose anything important! And that's so tragic about that little girl, I hope she found a safe home and some healing.
ReplyDeleteIt still shocks me that someone would just end a friendship because it was uncomfortable to hear about the bad stuff in the world. You're a good mama. God is blessing you for your choice to foster and take care of the least of these. And now you have friends like me who are crazy enough to like you anyway :)
ReplyDeleteI love this 31 day series. I have adopted three children through the foster care system and took one other in for a short time. Their stories are horrific - picture bad, and it is worse. Some things they will never recover from emotionally, some things physically and many mentally. Yet adopting my three children was still the best decision we ever made. There is more stress on so many levels than anyone can comprehend - but the advances are more phenomenal than you can fathom also. And I go to bed every single night thanking the Lord that we were able to make a different to that one, that one and that one... And that makes all the difference in our piece of the world. I don't know if I will ever do it again - although I am by no means old, it is exhausting and I have five "kids" from 6 to 24. The the three that have been adopted will need lifelong support from us. And THAT is why I blog - every single moment, project, accidental learning experience is a memory they would probably not even have been alive to experience. My blogging will give them the best journal.
ReplyDeleteI'm loving your series. Haven't commented yet. There's no fostering system (or at least that I know of) here, as it's not something others do. However, I need to share how much I enjoy reading your series. And it's quite sad that it affects friendships. So sad that others are unable to accept the realities of the world.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful series you have created Kim. Keep up the fabulous work! Wow! You are amazing. Your gift for giving is a blessing to so many.
ReplyDeleteI have heard many, many stories like that of the little girl you described and they never cease to shock me or break my heart. My sister works as a school psychologist in our local school system and it definitely happens right next door to most of us whether we are aware of it or not (no matter how affluent your neighborhood). So many children need help. And the saddest part is how awful it truly has to be before social services will even think of removing a child.
Bless you and your family!!!
I am waiting for my homestudy to be completed...and I am starting to have some fears creep (RUSH actually) in.
ReplyDeleteI am a single woman and I am 31. I am just terrified of what life will be like with a child there. I mean, it's like everything changes. And I have never had that much change before.
I do wonder which friends will stay and which will go. Which ones I may push away and which ones I will try to hold tightly to.
So many unknowns.
I had many sexualized and behavioral youth in my home when I was fostering and because of that we had to be aware of our outings, activities, and the company we kept.
ReplyDeleteMy heart ached for these children who didn't know any different.
They didn't deserve to be raised that way.
Hi there! I have been reading but not commenting on your foster parent posts. They are informative and written with such heart and insight. However I needed to comment today. Who would give up a friendship with someone who is doing so much for the children of our world. If anything it's the depth of your heart that would pull me toward you, to make me want to be your friend, not pull away. I can't imagine punishing a family or friiend who is simply trying to heal a child. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you for this series, and I'm praying for you, your community, and that little girl.
ReplyDeleteOk, first of all, sorry this is the first post of yours that I've read in this series. Work and life have been crazy.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I have dealt with children like this through my work and they are not to blame! People like that ex-friend of yours should realize that. That is not behavior a 3 year old just learns, someone somewhere hurt her. She needs a loving home just like any other child does!
Sorry you encountered that. Oh well, at least now you've found other like-minded parents. Keep at it, it sounds like your heart truly is for foster kids.
I think people who think things like that don't happen in their worlds... either keep themselves in a bubble or have no clue what is going on around them.
ReplyDeleteIs that harsh?
It's just that no matter, there are always things going on around us that we can't really fathom.
Wow, I cannot believe someone would live in such denial like that. That is truly scary. You're trying to help children and I'm sure any support is welcome and appreciated. I'm sorry you had that experience.
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty. Only one person was this honest with me when I adopted my little cousins. I thought I was prepared but friends tend to be friends because their lives are in the same place and when you adopt/foster you move into a whole new dimension. I lost friends, relatives, and neighbors but I gained so much more! Thank you for your honesty.
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