This might be a downer post for you, but I hope it isn’t. It is meant to be empowering. Talking about and overcoming your past so it doesn’t have a hold on you.
Last week’s prompt for Scavenger Hunt Sunday about a childhood memory got my mind racing. The first image that popped in my head was this:
It stayed there, too. It wouldn’t leave.
I wanted to use it, but I worried about telling the story. I worried about making people feel sad. I worried about letting another part of my abusive past out. Simply, I worried.
My family lived in Louisiana when I was 4-6 years old. I don’t have many fond memories of that time. My dad drank a lot and almost all of my memories from that time period that involve him are bad ones (most of my memories involving him are bad).
Louisiana. Summer nights that were hot and humid. The stench of stale beer breath. The fog of cigarette smoke. The sounds…thud…thud…thud.
The sounds of my dad throwing steak knives at the side of the house as I stood against it.
He said it was a circus game. We were playing knife thrower and he needed to get the knives close to me without hitting me. He said it was a fun game and I shouldn’t be scared. But with every throw my dad would mutter some profanity. I always wondered if those words were for me or if he was just taking it out on me. I will never know.
See what I mean? Debbie Downer, huh? But not really. I am here. I fortunately never got hit by one of those knives (he was just as lousy at knife throwing as he was at fathering). I am a fairly normal, fully functioning member of society.
Now I have released this story. It doesn’t have a hold of my insecurities any longer. It is out there. I am no longer worried about how people are going to take this.
I am free from it.
This is not a downer post. Smile big with me as I chip off another chunk of that weight that tries to hold me back.
See ya!
This post is linked up with others over at Things I Can’t Say for Pour Your Heart Out.
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ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this...
ReplyDeleteWow. You're so brave for writing this, and amazing, for not letting this experience turn you into a bitter person. Go, you!
ReplyDeleteWow. How crazy is all that? God certainly had his hand over you while your father was throwing knives at you! I'm glad you were able to get free from that situation and that it doesn't keep you from living a full life now. I'm sure you've learned a lot from it. About yourself, relationships, and parenting to name a few! Good for you for sharing. That's a lot of strength :)
ReplyDeleteoh my gosh!! i couldn't even imagine as a 5 year old standing there watching knives fly past your head. thanks for sharing your heart Kim. you turned out to be a fantastic woman, despite that!! :)
ReplyDeleteummmm...... Wow, I'm not thinking downer so much as, wow look at the woman you became!
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches reading this. I just want to take your little child and hold her close. No wonder you foster children. You have so much love in your heart despite that horrible past. You are a generous and kind woman.
ReplyDeleteI would like to say " what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" but not in a jokey way, in a very real way. What hasnt killed you ( physically, mentally, emotionally) has made you a stronger person. Some days its still going to hurt bad, but some days, you are going to be free to breathe, deeply, and know that through all that you went through, YOU are the better person. No, the BEST person :)
ReplyDeletekarina xx
Oh honey - you are VERY brave to share this memory. Let it out and it can fly away now. It IS empowering. You don't have to hold onto that.
ReplyDeleteWow! Some things that kids go through are so incredibly heart breaking. My naive mind doesn't want to think things like that actually occur. Good for you for overcoming. Thank you for sharing and empowering others. No matter what background you have, you have the choice to make your own paths in your life however hard it may be.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, here are some virtual hugs for you.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I do admire your bravery. Bravery as a child, surviving, and having the courage to share it with us.
Oh girl, how scary that must have been.
ReplyDeleteYou know, the more that I get to know you, the more I realize we have in common. Love you. xo
It's so healthy to release things like this. Many people have things they don't talk about, but I think it's good to talk about it. But what a story, wow, so glad he never hit you with one. I'm glad you got it out :)
ReplyDeleteOk, now I want to throw knives at HIM!!! What a jerk.
ReplyDeleteSorry that happened to you, but I'm glad that you are able to talk about it now. It's good to write/talk about those painful memories. {{hugs}}
Hand over mouth. Wow! I'm sorry you had to experience that and have this memory. What a jerk! I am smiling big with you and rejoicing in your triumph over your past! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWow, you really are an incredible woman. I too grew up in an abusive household with a daddy who drank too much. To be able to post this I know how brave and open you are.
ReplyDeleteThis post might just save someone, reading it could free them, let them know they are not alone.
I'm smiling because of the gift u just gave all of, the opportunity to know and love ya even more!
Praise JESUS!! The LORD has made you well...
ReplyDeleteI see that you have a lot of followers and now you have one more...I love your blog, your pictures and I love you...I can't believe you are not from New York like me...I love the "tell it like it is" attitude and making an idiot of ourselves is a trait we both seem to have...And not caring about it either...Ha! I found your blog from "Life with my 3 boybarians" and for some reason clicked on a recent photo you posted...I was excited to see that you foster and loved the post about the girl in the store...I was also excited that you mentioned May is the Foster Parent Appreciation Month...My husband and I just got our license in May 2011 and have had 3 babies so far...Thanks for that post...I felt discouraged today because we want to adopt and none of the babies are able to stay with us so far...So reading how you wanted to knock the block off of that girl in the store, but didn't, ministered to me that the LORD is guiding our path if we let Him, and that everyone is a big part of something...And even if I don't get to adopt I know the LORD will bless me more than HE has already in this process...
I won't be insulted or offended if you don't get back to me..I can't imagine having 500+ followers...But, if your ever interested in reading about my foster experience you can read about it on my blog...Here it is:
http://thenewyorkerthatlovesjesus.blogspot.com/
I too post pictures of the little ones but not their faces...I wish people could see how sweet they are...Thanks for your blog..Your a gem ;)
I wish more people would talk about how they get over things. A lot of times people don't know what to say so they just say get over it or let it go. Not an easy thing to do! Good for you for finding a way.
ReplyDeleteYour story touched me. My father was abusive too, but in different ways! He was especially mean and physically abusive to my sister and he treated my poor mother like she meant nothing. It took a long time for me to let things go, but when I finally did, it felt wonderful! I could never imagine doing the things he did to my own child. I look at her every day and think how innocent and dependent she is. I could just cry I love her so much!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had to go through that and I'm glad you found a way to express yourself and to feel better.
ReplyDeletewow, kim...i know it's sometimes hard to show such personal things but it makes one feel better and helps others in the process.
ReplyDeletebless your heart ~
yes, your dad was taking things out on you, that's my gut impression...not AT you.
the important things is that you've allowed your past to make you who you are - a caring person who not only loves her own kids but all kids and extends her home to strangers.
way to go girl!!!! have a great weekend~
You poor thing. But I'm glad you were able to let it out and let it go.
ReplyDelete