When I was about 5 years old I went swimming in a pond with my dad and his brothers. Sometime during the day a lot of beers were consumed and the little sense they had before was completely lost.
I can’t remember which one did it first, but it became a lot of fun to push me under water and hold me there for a little while. How long? I am not really sure. I know it seemed like forever, but I was only 5 so my perspective was skewed (not to mention I was the one under water).
Just when they would let me up I would feel a crazy panic for air and for something to grab onto. A sense of relief would fill me as the air filled my lungs. Just when I would feel as if the nightmare was over a different person would take their turn dunking me a few times.
That has been similar to how I have been feeling lately.
Every time I feel as if I am back to normal, I get hit with it again. The sensation of being pushed under water and kept there overtakes me.
I am not complaining. I am just sharing. Surely some of you have felt that way.
Nothing extremely horrible or devastating has happened. Just blows to weaknesses. My favorite dog died and there has been a little drama with birth mom and the baby. Like I said, nothing really big and it has hit me surprisingly hard. I have been through some fairly rough things and I really don’t know why I am having this reaction to these events.
I just feel exhausted from trying to catch my breath and stay on top of the water. I think the most draining thing is trying to be myself and play with the kids. Cole is having a really hard time with Roxi’s death. I have to be even more upbeat and sympathetic for him.
I am just tired.
First of all, that is abuse. They had no right to do that to you, you were FIVE YEARS OLD!
ReplyDeleteSecond of all, I'm so sorry about the loss of your dog. That is such a heartbreaking thing to go through. When my cat had to be put to sleep, I swore I would never own another animal just because I didn't want to feel that pain again.
Third, as far as the baby and birth mom, Kim, you are a very caring, giving person. Whatever happens, you have been responsible for the survival of that little one up to this point and no one can take that away from you.
Does that make you feel better? I hope so. {{hugs}}
Kim:
ReplyDeleteThat story just completely broke my heart, perhaps it hit home because my daughter is 5. I think I would kill someone if they did that to her. I am very sorry about your dog :(
I think at one point or another we have all felt like you do right now, although for different reasons. I am here for you if you need anything. Hugs.
It sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders. Please, if possible, take time out for yourself. You deserve it. It's tough being all to everyone and it's most important to look after yourself. Take care.
ReplyDeleteOh Kim - that is just horrible. My heart breaks for your little 5 year old self. I am so sorry about your dog too. Hopefully the drama will end soon and you and your family can move forward with more smiles. Head up young person! :)
ReplyDeleteHang on tight Kim...this too shall pass and you will be that much stronger for fighting your way through it. I hope all of the drama resolves as quickly as possible and that you feel increased strength to deal with it all in the meantime!
ReplyDeletethat is terrible and it hurts my heart to know you endured that...i am so sorry!!
ReplyDeleteyes, i've felt like i was drowning many times...remember my last year? it was all i can do to get my butt out of bed and function as best i could.
you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength~
Sometimes I feel like that too often. Praying for encouragement and strength for you today.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about Roxie. From a devout animal lover, I know how hard that can be when they are part of the family. We have lost several over the years and some hurt a lot more than others. Praying that joy would flood your heart today!
Also praying for you over the foster situation!! May you have a peace that passes ALL understanding.
As a foster parent that got to adopt our first two placements (brothers) I can tell you that this process - whether you are adopting or not - is so draining. It doesn't matter how difficult or easy it is along the way, there are so many ups and downs that every day becomes a struggle. Even the little things that looks like nothing much when you look at them individually can add up to something so much more than we can handle when you put them all together. So yes, they may be little things, but when you get hit with them one after the other and in the middle of increased stress, they take their toll. Just when you think it can't get any more dramatic, it does. Truly, even after it is all over and the child either goes home to a parent or family member (we have had placements that we only kept for a couple of days, weeks and months) or if you get to keep them forever, it doesn't stop there. We are still struggling with foster/adoption drama and while at the time it seems like an unsurmountable challenge, the experiences have brought us closer together as a family. I wouldn't change a single thing as I know that the struggles we have faced as a family have prepared us for where we are now and will continue to do so. It's not easy, adoption, fostering or parenting children you gave birth too...they all have their own challenges but they all have thier own rewards as well.
ReplyDeleteI tried to remind myself as we were experiencing some of those sames feelings of being held under the water trying to catch a quick breath that the rewards were so worth it. I also tried to remind myself to focus on one day at a time and do my best to give it to God to handle for us. You can't do it alone, and the best part is you don't have to! Chin up Kim! It will get better no matter what happens. This too shall pass and you and your family will be that much better because of it. There is a great song I like to listen to when things are getting me down: Before the Morning by Josh Wilson. It just reminds me that no matter what, God has a plan for us and when that plan comes to fruition, it is always so much more beautiful than I could ever imagine!
I will keep you in my prayers. Though I don't know what you're going through, I'm guessing I know how you feel. Sometimes our defenses are just down so even little things that we could normally get through really beat us down. I'll be praying for your faith to remain strong through this time. You have friends all around the world praying for you I'm sure :)
ReplyDeleteI do know what you mean, just feeling emotionally beat and spent. Don't let the enemy keep you down! Here is a verse for you, one that I have been using myself a lot lately:
ReplyDelete"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." – Matthew 11:28-30
And this one makes me think particularly of you in your foster situation:
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." – Galatians 6:9
Praying that you will feel lifted up by His mighty hands today! :-)
I think we all have felt like that (and I wanted to smack those boys from the story, really? Boys are stupid sometimes :).
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness it's amazing how all those little things just suddenly add up. I completely understand what you're talking about, I'm kinda feeling that way too right now.
left foot right foot left foot right foot.... and a million hugs to hold you whilst those steps are heavy..
ReplyDeleteDear Cole,
We are very sorry to hear about your beautiful dog. I hope that today you can find something to make you smile.
LOVE xxx
I'm so sorry about the loss of your dog and the issues you've been having with the birth mother. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteSeriously wiping tears. Yes, we all have these times. And just because they seem little doesn't mean they don't hurt. So sorry, wish I were there to lend a shoulder, or at least give you a break, laugh, anything.
ReplyDeleteYou would be happy to know that I threw my scale away, and when I did I thought of you and your "love our bodies" campaign. It made me smile thinking you would like that.
Hang in there.
luvs
I'm sorry about your dog and some other minor problems. It sounds like you feel overwhelmed. It might be time to just take a deep breath, a glass of wine and a bubble bath to just relax. I hope your floating on water soon :)
ReplyDelete